If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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