pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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