I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
