ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
