Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
He better not be in your backpack
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
