What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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