handjob tips. give me some.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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