"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
