its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
