my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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