Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
