remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
