I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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