Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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