That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
