Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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