I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
