the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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