I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Dignity is for republicans.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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