sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
