Your dad touched me again.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Randomize
