My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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