Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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