Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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