I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
