Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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