I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
