mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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