I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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