i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
