i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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