u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
