I will die if light touches me.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
