Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Oh god it's open bar.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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