is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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