How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize