i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
