I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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