hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize