Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
