Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
