I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize