I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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