Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
