It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just had sex on a roof
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
