Soap is not a condiment
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
