Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
