when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
