My underwear smells like fireworks.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
