i already hear my dad disowning me
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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