i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
