I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
