I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
