i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
You made out with two different species that night
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
