that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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