no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
