he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
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