i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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