I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize