dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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