I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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